


I Could Make You Laugh Until You Cry

by mel0drama



Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Addy's POV (mostly), Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Romantic Tension, actually very ooc i just wanted to indulge, addy has a lot of thoughts and feelings, only based on show canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mel0drama/pseuds/mel0drama
Summary: Right at that second, Addy savoured the warmth of Beth's toned arms, which were now daintily tracing her shoulders and upper arms, and embraced the happiness which overwhelmed her.She hadn't felt such happiness in a fair while, not like that. Not with Coach- or, Colette, she supposed, suppressing a shiver, that she couldn't refer to her as 'Coach' anymore.Not even with cheer, because although it was the most important to her, she couldn't often equate the buzz of over-exertion and practise after practise to perfect her tumbling to the beauty of times like this spent with Beth.
Relationships: Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon
Kudos: 37





	I Could Make You Laugh Until You Cry

**Author's Note:**

> sooo you're seeing it right, i finally wrote something again  
> this still isn't pure fluff but it's like 90%, and i'll definitely write pure fluff at some point because i'm a huge clown  
> Faith is a character who's mentioned but other than that it's...literally just addybeth lmao, enjoy  
> the title is from Single by the Neighbourhood (i live for most of their songs but go listen to it before or after u read for my love and support)

"...You're awake."

The voice was sweet, and Addy wondered where it had came from. She was neither asleep nor awake, and her eyes struggled to focus- the blur that was her bedroom swam between her lines of vision. She was tempted to fall back into her unconscious state, but at the same time, curious as to whether the voice was real or not. She often mixed up whether something was real or not, after she would have these blackened, plagued dreams she could sometimes remember vividly, sometimes remember not a single shred. But the night before was dreamless, so the voice had to be real, right? 

"...Hngh," The girl groaned, half to herself, half in response. Only the bedroom she had woken up in wasn't her own. She could for sure feel her heartbeat relax as she realised so- something about her own bedroom wasn't comfortable to her anymore. "Where...?" She didn't realise she'd murmured the thought aloud until she got a response from the same person the voice from before belonged to- 

"Ssh. Let yourself wake up, Hanlon."

Suddenly, a wave of recognition crashed over Addy, soaking her with understanding. 

" _Beth_ _?_ " Addy couldn't grasp why she was so shocked that her best friend was there to her right, with her gaze slightly inclined so as to be fixed on herself. It wasn't uncommon for them, after all. She cast a tired sideways glance- Beth was propped up against the bed's headboard, and lay atop of its duvet. Her delicate facial expression- particularly the smile that met her eyes- put a smile on her own face. She found herself leaning towards her, only daring to let her head brush her right shoulder.

She had a strange fear that Beth would dissolve into smoky ashes if she wasn't tender enough.

To her surprise once more, Beth's left hand began gently caressing her dark hair when she moved closer to her.

She waited for a little.

The touch didn't stop.

This was definitely real. No ash. She relaxed further, nestling her head at the tip of Beth's chest. 

"You're in my house, by the way," Beth said lightly, after the pair had spent a minute or so of complacent silence whilst Addy fully awoken. 

When she had, she had taken in the space around her; it was Beth's bedroom, without a shadow of doubt. She'd recognised it easily, from all of the times she had stayed the night- the early cliche sleepover memories of them joking about who would get married first and who would last longer in a cheer-centric career seemed distant now, but she wouldn't change their current relationship for anything. 

It was obscure and tangled and had no explanation most of the time, but somehow so beautiful.

Sometimes, the painfully truthful thought occurred to her that she'd probably already changed it. But thinking about where that had left her made her head hurt a little too much.

She was tucked into Beth's duvet, which had apparently been meticulously arranged. A reeling wave of warmth spreading through her that it was, _'exactly the way you used to like it,'_ in Beth's words, when she seemingly observed Addy eyeing it up. Once again, no words passed Addy's lips- Beth just _knew_.

Although neither of them had any preference anymore, Beth always had held onto the little things. 

It was after that when Addy let her eyes wander Beth's body briefly, her form considerably clearer than it was before- she'd frowned, noticing Beth was wearing clothes, but brushed it off. Her mind was weighed down with heavier things, and there'd be time to question that later. 

"Your mum was really worried about you- said that for the past 6 nights you've been terrified of your own house, waking up shaking in your bed and freezing completely when you see her come into your bedroom."

Addy's expression didn't change at the words, but a memory came to her nonetheless- darkness, like all of her dreams. Her own mum interrogating a blonde woman several feet away, and all she could do was watch as the woman showed her mum a small, red bracelet, then them both looking at her, their eyes unnervingly black. Her mum's gaze holding sheer disappointment, disbelief at the proof right under her eyes at her own daughter had 

_murdered a man_. 

The blonde woman's look...almost as monotonous as usual. She rarely showed emotion, but in that moment there was too a hint of malice.

Her careful planning had paid off, after all.

It was only when Addy was conscious the following day of that dream that she could confirm to herself who that woman was. And then the events of that night the woman had called her had played over once more in her mind. 

And what the bracelet was...

She thought of that now.

She pressed her palm to her forehead, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, she noticed Beth's hand had continued its running through strands of her hair.

"So...I told her I'd take you to mine for a few days, see how it goes. Promised her I'd take care of you, mind you, she knows how Lana is."

A genuine chuckle, the type Addy heard from her so rarely, only ever when it was just the two of them.

"And...you slept like a baby." 

"Huh..." Addy said wearily, swallowing apprehensively despite the familiarity being next to Beth brought her. "I don't know. About my nightmares, I mean. They're still...really hazy."

"Oh, Hanlon," Beth shot Addy a soft yet knowing smile, "Your mum mightn't know why you're having them, but trust me, I do. You don't have to keep it from me."

"Beth..." Addy breathed; she felt like there was something else she needed to say, but that was all that came, so she gave up on trying to think. Beth was there with her, and that was enough right now, even without her voicing everything like she usually would be compelled to do. She resigned to her older mindset, that all that mattered was the present. The one that she had lost touch of, long ago. And although she'd realised now she could only count on herself to build her future, her career, she'd also realised she'd missed giving zero fucks, back when she was thirteen, fourteen. Playing life like it was a game she could quit at any time, exactly as Beth still did. 

A part of her was acutely aware she was needed the release more than anything right now. 

"Yes...?" 

Beth booped Addy's nose with her finger, and all the darker-skinned girl could do right at that second was giggle, and she didn't _want_ to do anything else, either. Right at that second, she savoured the warmth of Beth's toned arms, which were now daintily tracing her shoulders and upper arms, and embraced the happiness which overwhelmed her.

She hadn't felt such happiness in a fair while, not like that. Not with Coach- or, Colette, she supposed, suppressing a shiver, that she couldn't refer to her as 'Coach' anymore.

Not even with cheer, because although it was the most important to her, she couldn't often equate the buzz of over-exertion and practise after practise to perfect her tumbling to the beauty of times like this spent with Beth. 

Times like that cool, peaceful night the summer before last, when constant drops of rain soaked the girls' bodies, and their laughter echoed throughout the empty park.

"I hate you so much for being right, you know..." Addy whispered finally, though she was practically grinning like a chesire cat now. She couldn't help her profuse blushing and sheepish smiling when she was trying to hide that something made her happy out of sheer stubbornness. Beth had her mocking grins, but she'd always liked the way Addy's were bashful more. Addy was convinced Beth liked everything about her more than she did on herself or anyone else, but she couldn't blame her. She supposed she felt the same about Beth's mannerisms and expressions- even her resting face was gorgeous. 

However, she collected herself at that specific moment. She let out a long, airy exhale, and was going to try to sit up; but the steady rise and fall of Beth's heartbeat as she lay against her chest was something she didn't want to disturb, so she resorted to craning her head up as much as was possible to meet Beth's stunning ocean gaze, which she had studied like an intricate book many a time before.

"I don't deserve you. What the fuck, Beth...I _swear_ , I hope your heart isn't beyond repair for someone else to take."

The words, _Beth,_ and _someone else_ , didn't roll off Addy's tongue right- still, she carried on, trying not to dwell on the hurt she had caused Beth. Only the present mattered, right? And someone else would be better, in the future. But at present...it was just the two of them together.

"I would apologise, I really fucking would, but I- can't find the words for everything I need to say. Me and you have always understood each other better without words, anyway, right?" Addy laughed so quietly she wasn't sure it would be audible to Beth, then the laughter turned into micro-teardrops, rolling coolly down her cheeks as she gazed at the face she could comprehend so deeply, from years of confiding in and being confided in.

Perhaps that was it. Perhaps Beth knowing her so well was their downfall. Perhaps it was her knowing Beth just as well.

Beth didn't shift her gaze from Addy's as she listened, an underlying pained look of disbelief crossing her features. It deepened when she took in the thin tears; a bittersweet waterfall was what she thought of. 

Of course Addy deserved her. She was certain, this time, that it wasn't just her fucked-up brain telling her this- Addy needed her right now, the same way Beth had always needed her. Addy never had before- she was in control of her own life, unlike herself, not knowing where the fuck she wanted to go or how to get there, only knowing who she wanted to go with. 

Addy had wanted her before, even if the strength of the emotion couldn't correlate to her own, but never needed her. Now that she did, Beth wouldn't abandon her, ironic, considering her mother had perpetuated the _sweetness_ of vengeance onto her her entire life. She couldn't do that to Addy. 

Quite the opposite. If she could, she would beat the living shit out of Colette French right there in her holding cell. 

Ever so carefully, she slipped down her left hand from Addy's shoulder, and took the other girl's right hand. 

Addy's didn't shift her gaze from Beth's, either, not once, since she had started to speak; the emotion in her eyes was something else, right now. They were so full with things even she could only just about decipher, and their eye contact which in the past and at present had shared so many secrets made her question why she had done it. 

Why she had pushed aside her mangled mess of feelings in the first place, instead of facing them. 

And Beth spoke with the same fragility she had exhibited moving her arms, in a way that showed to Addy that she, too, had a firmly-rooted fear that Addy's lean form against her own would turn to pale, wispy ash if she made the most minimal wrong gesture.

Because the words, _Beth_ , and _someone else_ , didn't ring in her ears right when they were from Addy's tongue.

"Addy...Addy, baby." Beth whispered, the words trailing out of her mouth slowly as she stroked over the back of Addy's hand with her thumb. The gesture lit up a wonderful flicker of life within Addy, and she was no longer tense about the words she had left unspoken. She trusted in Beth to be a voice of reason. 

"Of course you deserve me," Beth almost laughed. The thought of otherwise might have been present, and prominent at that, in Addy's mind, but in Beth's, all she saw was the euphoria she felt when her and Addy spent time together, a euphoria which, she dared to think, couldn't even be gained atop of the pyramid. And that overrode every single piece of their complex relationship which had ever shattered.

With a single motion, Beth swept up a tear from Addy's left eyelid, and the other girl giggled, again. "This shouldn't be funny..." She sighed, her voice with a mildly humourous crack, however. "Okay. Let's say I let you win." Addy then said through briefly pursed lips. "Honestly, Beth...what we have can't even be described, and I don't know if that's good or bad, but...I'll go with good," she finished, unable to help breaking into a sunshine smile mid-sentence. Beth's hand was still in hers, a perfect fit, or almost so. The moment was ethereal.

"You'll let me win theoretically? You'll go with good?" Beth repeated, raising her eyebrows in, this time feigned, disbelief. "That's a start. Although, we both know I'll win anyway. I have that power over you, Hanlon."

And she laughed. A completely true, glorious laugh. Addy couldn't help but do the same- Beth's laugh, Beth's smile. They were equally as infectious as the other. 

"Yup, I'll go with good. And you know what?"

"What?" Beth squeezed Addy's hand, and it felt like everything to Addy, even though it remained such a soft gesture that its meaningfulness could go unnoticed to anyone else.

"It'll be just you and me, until we get bored of it again."

"Who says we're gonna get bored?"

"You, yourself, many times. Want me to recount all of the times you've talked about playing games?" Addy countered, and Beth glared jokingly at her, straightening up and leaping expertly from the bed without warning. Addy grunted as her head jerked to the side, and she snapped her eyes to Beth, flipping her off irritably. 

"We don't talk about them," Beth grinned, "I'm being serious this time. Zero games, at least for me. And, I think _you_ can't afford it for your own good right now."

It was then that Addy was reminded fully of the clothes Beth donned; she had been thinking about it, but only passively, paying more attention to the recognisable beats of Beth's chest as she leaned against it. Now that that wasn't there, her brain had a little more room. A dark blue sweater, black ripped jeans. Her feet were bare, but Addy knew then with a jolt of realisation what the shoes would be. The outfit was the same she'd worn the day before at school, and had also left in.

They hadn't had their usual Friday afternoon practice, not that week. Addy had heard more than one mutter of theories pass between the squad, the same they had when Will died. She wouldn't have thought anything could make her feel more anxious than those rumours, until Colette had stopped turning up at school, too.  


"Where are you off to?" She asked skeptically as Beth walked the length of her room to where Addy assumed her socks and shoes were, managing to hide the genuine tremor she thought her tone would exhibit.

If Beth just left her there, alone, with her thoughts...The girl was right about her not being able to game-play.

Not to mention she would probably fall back asleep and have another not-so-wonderful dream.

"Out," Beth answered, short but sweet. Addy made a puzzled face as she heaved up a large bottle of Grey Goose to her lips and took a swig, the mostly-full bottle swinging precariously in her hand as she brought it down with her arm. "But I'm not leaving you, so get out of bed or I'll drag you out."

"Okay...But it's the morning, the fuck are you doing drinking Grey Goose, and where'd you get it...?" She gestured to the bottle, and groaned as she made her primary attempt at sitting up, flopping back down again. "I thought you were getting your shoes or something."

Beth scoffed at her feat. "One: Because I can do what I want, and it's like 11:30, it's not that early, and two: it's Lana's, bitchass, what kind of fancy store d'you think would sell me anything worth more than twenty-five cents?" 

"Jesus, it's beyond you to be nice, even to me," Addy retorted, although she wasn't actually mad, of course. Maybe a little annoyed; but Beth just taking the time to be with her made up for her provocation. "I'm not thinking straight right now, you know that."

Beth turned her head again almost as soon as she'd looked away from Addy, slowly, deliberately, and her lips stretched into a gleeful smirk. "Okay," she droned, "You don't need to think straight- or at all, on that note- to get out of bed."

"Ugh, you know what, I might just have to rip that bottle out of your hand and smash you over the head with it," Addy falsely threatened.

"You're speaking pretty confidently for a girl who hasn't moved her ass once, Hanlon."

Addy became irate at the sly smile that lingered on Beth's expression, huffing, "Everything's such a joke to you..."

"Not _everything_ , by the way. I am genuinely concerned for you, but you make it hard for me not to joke, because after many years of study,experts say you're usually happier when I do even if you don't seem it." Beth shrugged, but the way she spoke swept Addy up into a trance. It happened to be when Beth spoke like that which made Addy question if she knew her better than she knew herself. Most likely, she did.

_I am genuinely concerned for you..._

A faint chuckle left Addy's mouth. " _Usually_ happier, not always. The experts aren't wrong, though. I'll admit it...I am happier right now. Not really because of the weird, passive-aggressive jokes you've been spouting out...more because of you being here with me. You being here _for_ me."

If it wasn't for the atmosphere between the girls before, Beth lying next to Addy, caressing her unruly bedhair, she would've thought, _Oh God, that sounds so corny_. 

But it wasn't in this instant. It was truthful.

"...You still haven't gotten out of _my_ bed," was Beth's only response, pointed, although another smile tugged at the edges of her mouth- different. Softer. It was the kind Addy loved the most, when she knew it was unadulterated happiness. The thing was, she had never stopped hating seeing Beth hurt; it still got under her skin, when she was the cause, when Colette had just taught her to forget it.

_Or,_ _conditioned..._ Addy couldn't sugarcoat it anymore. She had for far too long, even holding onto the shred of hope within the aftermath of the night she had found out, that the woman had her best interests at heart- was helping her get her own life in check, so she could succeed. She'd started to think more about her future than any time before, and it wasn't inherently a bad thing. She just associated Colette with bad things.

How naïve. Addy had avoided the notion almost completely for the duration of the passing days since the official arrest, while she _could_ consciously shut it out of her mind, but now was one of those times it was coming back to her. Without warning nor thought, she screwed up her eyes and balled her hands into tight fists, forcibly gulping back any sobs. She wasn't entirely sure how long she stayed there for, maybe a few seconds, maybe a minute, maybe five; but when she blinked open her eyes, refreshed with a feeling of calm, of being in control of herself again, Beth was by her side, looking straight down at her with an anxious frown. 

The red-haired girl exhaled in strong relief as Addy's brown eyes scanned her way, and it made Addy seriously consider how long she'd lay trying to _forget_ for. 

"Are you alright? Did I do something? God, Addy, you kinda scared me for a minute, I was only about to say I've brought that pink jacket and jeans with the white stripe down 'em you always wear, then you looked like you'd broken something on the inside." Beth giggled a little nervously, the worry trapped inside her gaze unwavering as she held up the jacket. Addy half-smiled, glad of the gesture- it was one of quite a few tiny ones Beth had made since she had woken up, and likely before that, too. She was, of course, familiar with the clothes Beth was talking about, a silky bomber and skinny blue jeans- which she often cuffed when wearing. She guessed the small details like that were familiar to Beth, too.

_Of course you deserve me._ Even with the closure Beth had given her, even with how crystal it had been, Addy still couldn't tell it to herself without guilt hanging over her like heavy mist in the air. 

"Yeah- I'm fine, seriously." Addy answered quickly, not wanting Beth to get onto that she wasn't going into detail; she knew that she'd press out of worry, and even though it wouldn't be a problem on Beth's end, to her it felt like unfurling a too-heavy burden onto the person who was undoubtedly the most caring towards her. 

There was a few seconds of silence. Then, Beth wiggled her hands, which were now both holding an item of clothing, yet another grin breaking. That really was how joyous Addy made her, but Addy still couldn't see herself deserving it, ever. 

They were Beth's feelings, though, and she couldn't control them. Much less control her own. 

And they had always been towards Beth, as far back as she could reminisce. They weren't always seen to her as possibly more than friendship, not as a kid, but they'd always been present in some form. She didn't think, now, that they'd ever fully gotten lost in the fray of the past couple years of confusion and, more recently, of Colette French. 

"So...Are you finally ready to give into my demands?" Beth joked, plopping onto her bed and sitting with her legs stretched out in front of her, gazing expectantly at Addy with her head poised a fraction to the side. Addy was used to seeing Beth in that position, very much by now- her goofy expression elevated Addy's own positivity, and she laughed gently, authentically, pretending to slap Beth with a swat of her hand. Beth faked a gasp.

"No. Maybe in a few minutes, if you're lucky, Cassidy."

A beat. Addy's tone didn't turn solemn as she next spoke, but it was more fragile, less in jest. It could be seen by anyone else as weak, possibly, but Beth wouldn't. 

"Stay here. Just me." Addy murmured out, her words slightly scrambled within the plead but not lost. She wanted- _needed_ \- Beth right now a lot more than she could yet admit to herself, and she had already let a heavy amount of the pining sink in over the last week or so. "Just us...We can go out soon, and that's a promise, this time." She winked, her natural smile already there on her face.

"That's a promise...?" Beth drawled out her question, sidling right up to Addy again. Addy was conscious, so conscious, of Beth's body pressed against her own, maybe more than before, because she was more awake now.

She really liked it. She always had, but it felt so different now. They weren't kids, young best friends sleeping over at each other's houses without the concept of feelings playing on their minds. 

"I promise." Addy lifted her pinkie. She was still smiling, and Beth snorted, now laying back so she was fully prone. 

"We don't need that." Then a smile flickered onto her face despite herself, and Addy countered lightly,

"You know you want to."

"Fine," Beth conceded with a brief huff, delicately linking her left pinkie with Addy's right.

Then, Addy asked something that had been on her mind since she'd first noticed the clothes Beth was wearing, the ones from the day before.

"Have you even slept? You must have got back here pretty late if I was out cold..."

Beth answered almost immediately. "No, but I'm not even a little tired. I guess my love for you has been keeping me energised," she joked mildly, and Addy nodded with a small giggle, a usual warmth filling her up. "Kinda weird how it all happened. I was surprised you never asked, at first, then I thought, 'honestly, she's probably too fucked to think about anything right now.'"

_Too fucked to think about anything but you,_ Addy corrected silently, but she only replied aloud,

"Go on, B, spill. I wanna know now that you've brought it up."

"Yesterday, Faith came across me when I was going to meet RiRi, you know, when you'd gone off with Slocum's friend to do him in some park," Beth started, shooting Addy a humorous glance. 

Addy remembered telling Beth that she was meeting briefly with a boy that Slocum knew before they'd finished their last class- though she'd told her it was only to help with work, and this time it actually was, despite her being vague with the details. She didn't think she could face the feel of any more boys' tongues devouring her mouth in the sloppiest, thirstiest way possible, or the smugness they all wore as their fingers tore their way up her thighs. 

She also remembered how Coach- Colette- always used to tell her how great it'd feel once she found a _man_ , and how something had always seemed a little bit off to her when she picked up on how fervently the woman spoke of it. It connected to other things, things like her rolling her eyes at RiRi's stupid jokes about her getting railed by a 28-year-old stoner and whatever else- _'Not a chance in_ hell. _I know so much better than that, but you would take the dick of a man greying at the temples.'_ \- or going silent with bitterness when Beth would very loudly describe what happened between her and Ben Trammel, or any other boy, to the eagerly-listening squad, who always looked like their eyes would pop out of their head. 

"I wasn't lying about the work," Addy puffed crossly, turning to fully face Beth for the rest of her coming heated explanation. "And we didn't go to 'some park'! I just told him some shit he needed to know close to school grounds and he paid me, then I left before he could try to get anything to happen."

"Mhm-hm, then why are you so defensive..." Beth responded, her beautiful eyes maintaining a mischievous glint. Addy readied to retort, but before she got the chance to, Beth shrugged and continued, "Whatever. Off topic. So apparently your mum didn't know where you'd went, so I told her what you'd told me, but that you'd be back before she knew it. Then...she spoke a bit lower, said she needed to ask me something. And I was confused as fuck, 'cause me and her barely ever speak, but I listened for your sake. Then I realised you were going through some _awful_ shit, and everything seemed to click."

When Beth said that, the emotion in her voice changed, despite the kept-up eye contact. There hadn't been much other than nonchalance to it, until _everything seemed to click_. Addy picked up on the difference straight away- some kind of distant regret, her being told that the 'everything' was her fault, that she could've stopped it. Addy knew it wasn't, and that she'd done all she could to try to.

_Oh, fuck...Why didn't I listen to her?_ Addy didn't make a comment, though. She was going to let Beth carry on, though something stirred within her following that thought which made her not want to wait to hear the rest. She just wanted to hold Beth like Beth had been holding her, whisper to her so gently that it could be mistaken for a breeze whistling past the window outside, that everything was going to be okay. 

"Beth- wait- spare the details," Addy pulled a tight-lipped, apologetic smile as Beth's mouth opened then closed again in apparent surprise. She raised her eyebrows.

"You sounded pretty goddamn sure you wanted them before."

"Yeah, but- I don't need to know how I ended up here. What I _do_ need to know is how haven't you passed out yet, or something..." Addy uttered. Her words weren't too heavy- the last thing she wanted to happen was to come off as pressuring. Her concern was only clear because of her particular tone. Her stomach knotted a fraction as Beth's eyes broke their prolonged contact with hers, having diverted, a minute amount. It didn't go unnoticed.

"I knew there was no point in sleeping," Beth answered, though her eyes still didn't meet Addy's, and Addy wasn't convinced. "I'll get extra sleep tonight. Worry about yourself first." She smiled slightly, and her eyes swivelled purposefully so she was looking at Addy- but the other girl still noticed that they didn't lock. Beth felt detached from her, then, like she'd forgotten Addy retained the smallest segments almost as much as she did herself. 

"I'm allowed to be worried about you," Addy protested, "Given how worried you always are about me. It works both ways." 

"Don't be. You've got bigger drama to mind, Hanlon."

Addy recalled another day Beth had said that to her- _'I figured you were mad at me.'_ Her words were laced with the same meaning this time around, though now they weren't quite bitter, just of something left unsaid.

It played on her mind again. She'd known Beth for all those years, enough to know for certain that she was, sometimes insufferably, indirect and closed off even to her. So, why didn't she just ask again, gently, and keep doing so until every layer of Beth's emotional wall had been unfolded? 

No, that didn't feel right.

Therefore she kept her mouth shut, and she was relieved to grasp that it must have been the right decision when Beth's gaze eventually fully locked onto hers again. It took a hot moment between flickers of uncertainty, but Addy's scatters of mostly lost hope pieced together with it, and now it was her who intertwined her fingers with Beth's, a smile like a breezy summer dawn breaking out on her face. 

"How about we swing by the Dairy Cream? It's Slocum's shift this afternoon. We could make him jealous, like we always do on his Saturdays." Addy said, her grin broadening. 

Beth half-laughed, half-scoffed. "On top of you _actually_ getting dressed and ready? I'd pay for that." 

She then grimaced, diverting her eyes quickly in reflex, when Addy lifted the pillow from beneath her head and chucked it at her face with her free hand. "Bitch," she muttered, begrudgingly throwing it lightly in front of her.

"Aren't you going to throw it back at me?" Addy responded, still grinning, attempting to match Beth's own previous provocation. Beth only raised her eyebrows, turning her head back to the side Addy was facing. 

"You're no good at this. I know it'd give you the satisfaction you're looking for," she replied, and Addy pursed her lips. 

"I guess you're right," she surrendered with a gentle sigh. She pushed back Beth's duvet and climbed out of her bed, her fingers loosely trailing away from Beth's. "I'll change into the clothes you got me." 

Addy shot Beth another smile as she stood up in front of her after she had taken one long stride off her bed. "Thanks, by the way..."

"No problem," Beth said plainly back over her shoulder, although she couldn't help but to soften at the way Addy smiled, experiencing the same melt she had done in response to such smiling since the two had met. If anyone else were to smile with even half its delicacy at her, she'd tell them poker-faced that they didn't need to flatter her. " _I_ need to change out of this fucking sweater..." She added, "I've been boiling to the temperature of the fucking changing room showers."

Addy snorted just as Beth pulled her sweater off, then her expression changed to something marginally entranced, dark eyes sweeping slowly over Beth's uncovered back and arms as she traipsed over to her closet to find something else- her sculpted shoulder blades rippled with her movements, Addy noticed, and she must have been staring at them with more fixation than she anticipated, because when Beth yanked a smaller, cropped t-shirt from its hanger, she said to Addy, breaking her short space-out, "You getting dressed or what?" Her voice was gentle, however, as if she liked Addy looking at her like _that_. She probably did. It was common that she did the same to Addy. Even more intensely, more often. And Addy knew it, though it took her all the way up to at least eighth grade to figure out none of the other girls did the same at all, and even then, a little longer to make anything of it.

"Oh shit- yeah."

And Addy knew she was the catalyst. And even though she woke up most nights, feeling dense, invisible sweat drenching her which accompanied the heat of her terror, sweat which threatened to drown her, and clutching her bare wrist so harshly that she thought even the incredibly strong bones beneath her skin might snap—

It was worth it when she remembered the night she was given her lost hamsa, rather than the day she had given it away. She thought every one of those head-banging mornings after that maybe the drive she'd had that night, the drive which had pushed her to kiss Beth at the seemingly frozen moment in time it had felt _right_ to still lingered. She hoped for it to be lingering because she'd never said the word love. She yearned to know what would happen if she did. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you've read the whole thing ty i appreciate you but fun fact!!!  
> something about writing this felt off to me lmao probably because i started reading the book halfway through and book!addy seems a million times less caring towards beth than show!addy so maybe it's that??? so far i feel like this, in no way, fits w book canon but i finished it anyway because why not🤷🏼♀️  
> again, thanks for reading


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